Monday, September 21, 2015

Hoe herken ik ouderverstoting:


Bron: Dr. Craig Childress: Blog

Onder een grote verscheidenheid van indicatoren (differentiële diagnose is niet een ​​enkel puzzelstukje, het gaat over het gehele beeld gemaakt door alle puzzelstukjes), geven kinderen blootgesteld aan authentieke kindermishandeling, vijf specifieke narcistische / borderline persoonlijkheidsstoornis symptomen in hun eigen leven niet weer; 1) grootheidswaan, 2) recht, 3) gebrek aan empathie, 4) een hooghartige en arrogante houding, en 5) splitsen.

Aan de andere kant hebben kinderen die zich in een verstrikt “cross-generatie” coalitie met een narcistische / borderline ouder bevinden tegen de andere ouder alle vijf van deze specifieke narcistische trekjes. De enige manier waarop een kind vijf specifieke a-priori voorspelde narcistische / borderline persoonlijkheidsstoornis symptomen verwerft is door middel van een verstrikt psychologische relatie met een narcistische / borderline ouder. Bent u het niet eens? Hebben authentiek misbruikte kinderen een hooghartige en arrogante houding tegenover hun misbruiker? Natuurlijk niet, ze zijn bang van hun misbruiker.

Meer informatie kan je vinden op: Hoe komt ouderverstoting tot stand

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Resultaten van de enquête

Vandaag beschik ik over het grootste deel van de resultaten van de enquête welke ik begin september heb gehouden. Uiteraard zijn er heel wat antwoorden die ik omwille van privacy niet kan delen met jullie. 

Graag deel ik deze resultaten met jullie, veel plezier.


Enkele algemene opmerkingen:

  • De enquête was online beschikbaar tussen 31/08/2015 en 8/09/2015,
  • Er hebben 104 mensen deze enquête ingevuld,
  • Alle deelnemers vertoefden in de rol van "verstoten" ouder,
De resultaten:


Opmerkelijk hierbij is het aandeel narcisme hierin.



Conclusies:

  • Enkele deelnemers hadden achteraf de opmerking dat de enquête veel te suggestief werd opgesteld. Hiermee werd echter rekening gehouden door bij de vraag over mogelijke oorzaken ook de optie "Andere" aan te bieden. De antwoorden die hier werden ingevuld wijzen dan op hun beurt ook weer vaak naar een volgens de verstoten ouder, narcistisch gedrag. 
  • Daarnaast is het duidelijk dat veel deelnemers aan de enquête te maken hebben met een ernstige vorm van ouderverstoting en hun kind of kinderen totaal niet meer zien.
  • Dat verstoten ouders veelal menen dat narcistisch gedrag een rol speelt bij de andere ouder. De wens tot een onderzoek naar het gedrag van ouders en kind dringt zich dan ook op.
  • Dat momenteel ook de advocatuur niet steeds naar tevredenheid handelt in dossiers rond ouderverstoting is niet nieuw, maar wordt bevestigd in de enquête.
  • De gemiddelde tijd tussen de echtscheiding en het tot stand komen van ouderverstoting bedroeg 3 jaar en 4 maand.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

‘Na scheiding worden mannen vaak onterecht van incest beschuldigd om kind bij hen weg te houden’

Bron: HBVL




                    ‘Na scheiding worden mannen vaak onterecht van incest beschuldigd om kind bij hen weg te houden’

Foto: Photo News  

12.045 klachten kwamen er vorig jaar binnen van gescheiden mannen en vrouwen die van hun ex de kinderen niet meer mogen zien. Al zijn het vooral de mannen die in de kou blijven staan en aan de alarmbel trekken. Meer zelfs: sommigen va hen worden beschuldigd van pedofilie, enkel en alleen om te voorkomen dat het kind naar hen zou moeten komen.

‘Er zijn moeders die werkelijk alles zouden doen om het kind niet bij de vader te brengen. Beschuldigingen van incest komen bijvoorbeeld vaak voor omdat het een goed wapen is. Het juridische apparaat schiet dan namelijk meteen in gang’, aldus Tom Janssen van Het Huis Van Hereniging in De Morgen.

‘We stellen vast dat bij 85% van de gevallen over hoederecht de balans in het voordeel van de moeder overslaat’, aldus SOS Papa België. En cijfers van de universiteit Antwerpen bevestigen die trend: van de 500 papa’s van kinderen tussen 10 en 18 jaar had 8% van hen na de scheiding helemaal geen contact meer met hun kinderen.

Friday, September 11, 2015

12.000 vaders of moeders dienen klacht in omdat ze hun kind niet mogen zien


Bron: Nieuwblad




Vorig jaar dienden 12.045 personen in ons land klacht in bij de politie omdat hun ex-partner verhinderde dat ze hun kind konden ontmoeten. ‘Dat cijfer houdt dan nog niet eens rekening met al die ouders die géén klacht indienen omdat ze ondervonden hebben dat het toch niets uithaalt’, zegt Steunpunt Blijvend Ouderschap.


Het aantal klachten liep vorig jaar weliswaar een heel klein beetje terug (zie tabel) maar het blijft een hoog cijfer. Het probleem is groter in Vlaanderen dan in Wallonië en het allergrootst in de provincie Oost-Vlaanderen, waar iedere week gemiddeld 43 ouders een officiële klacht indienen omdat zij hun kind niet hebben mogen zien of bezoeken van de ex-partner.


‘Deze cijfers zijn slechts het tipje van de ijsberg’, zegt Luc Arron van het Steunpunt Blijvend Ouderschap (SBO). ‘Iedere week ontvangen wij ouders die het niet meer zien zitten om nog maar eens een klacht in te dienen omdat er niets mee gedaan wordt. Ze haken ook af omdat ze het psychologisch en mentaal niet meer aankunnen om met hun partner te vechten of omdat ze het geld niet meer hebben om een advocaat te betalen. Het moet gezegd dat er ook te veel advocaten zijn die hun werk niet goed doen of die aansturen op een procedureslag in plaats van het welbevinden van het kind voor ogen te houden.’




‘Tref tegenwerkende ouders in hun portemonnee’

‘Een klacht indienen kost ook moeite’, zegt Luc Arron. ‘Je bent toch minstens iedere keer twee uren kwijt bij de politie en dan heb je ook politiediensten die je na de zoveelste klacht gewoon wandelen sturen.’

Toch krijgt Luc Arron nog altijd koude rillingen als hij een moegestreden ouder hoort zeggen: ‘Ik geef het op om nog langer mijn bezoekrecht af te dwingen. Ik geef mijn kind rust en hoop dat het later wel zelf naar mij toe zal komen.’

Volgens het SBO ligt het grootste deel van de verantwoordelijkheid voor het probleem bij de rechters. ‘Zij moeten veel sneller ingrijpen’, vindt hij. ‘Na een tweede proces-verbaal zou een rechter beide ouders bij zich moeten roepen en dreigen het kind weg te nemen bij een van de ouders als het omgangsrecht niet meteen wordt gerespecteerd.’

In principe kunnen tegenwerkende ouders een gevangenisstraf krijgen van 8 dagen tot 1 jaar. ‘Maar een gevangenisstraf lost niets op. Integendeel, het is traumatiserend voor het kind. Tref ouders die zich niet houden aan de afgesproken regeling in hun portemonnee en leg hen een dwangsom op.’

Bron: Nieuwblad

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Parental alienation should be criminal offence, says group

A parent who, following the breakdown of a relationship, attempts to turn their child or children against the other parent should be prosecuted, a support group has said.
The Parental Alienation Awareness Association said there was a lack of understanding in Ireland of how serious this form of alienation can be and how much damage can be caused to children as a result.
Parental alienation involves the unwarranted rejection of one, previously loved, parent by a child following a separation or divorce. It is associated with high-conflict splits and involves the child focusing undeserved and disproportionate anger toward the rejected parent, which is fed by the behaviour of the aligned parent, who most often has greater custody.
Some psychiatrists and support groups have labelled the child’s behaviour as “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS), though this is not defined as a condition by the World Health Organisation. It is also not recognised by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible for mental health diagnoses.
However, family therapist Brian O’Sullivan says, whatever the label is, the dynamics of PAS have been noted since the 1950s and children are being damaged.

Refuse contact

He said during high-conflict divorces or disputes a child might refuse contact with one parent and be extremely withdrawn and contemptuous, aligning himself or herself with the other parent.
The issues underlining this are complex, but may be partially explained by the alienating behaviours of the aligned parent, who may be emotionally needy and who offers the child warm and involved care in exchange for allegiance.
Mr O’Sullivan, who is completing a thesis on alienation at the department of child and family psychiatry in the Mater hospital, Dublin, said the child’s reasons for rejecting a parent may be scripted, lack substance and accurate detail, and may include adult phrases and language.
“This is not to be confused with realistic estrangement, where there has been neglect or abuse and a child has good reasons to be hostile to a parent,” he said.
Alienation can cause long-term psychological damage to children, as well as damaging the relationship with the alienated parent. It can also impact both parents, not just fathers, he said.
In Ireland, it is a relatively new phenomenon, because we have only had divorce since 1995, Mr O’Sullivan said.
He said in family court cases here, where the voice of the child is now being given such emphasis, it would be helpful if social workers, therapists, legal professionals and judges were aware of the dynamic.

Child’s views

If the child indicates they want nothing to do with a parent, with whom they have had a happy relationship, some professionals may conclude the child’s views are valid, must be respected and acted upon. However, they should consider alienation as part of their decision-making process.
“There needs to be more education about it,” he said.
The Parental Alienation Awareness Association has called for legislation to make parental alienation a criminal offence. Andries van Tonder, secretary of the organisation, said in Mexico, the parent encouraging alienation can be imprisoned for 15 years. He said there should also be State support and rehabilitation provided for PAS children.
“It is a serious form of child abuse to turn a child against a parent,” he said.
“The problem is it is so embedded in Ireland.”
He said the after-effects of parental alienation can be worse than physical or sexual abuse and have been linked to suicides and drug overdoses in Ireland.
“A PAS child may not realise the damage that has occurred and may only pick up on the effects aged 24 or 25,” he said. He said he was aware of a 69-year-old, who was a PAS child, and was still suffering from the effects. The association has quite a few adult PAS children who are members, he says, as well as parents who have been alienated.
“Our big fight is to educate on this form of child abuse; Ireland does not want to listen yet, but we hope it will listen soon.”

Bron: Parent alienation should be criminal offence, says group

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Twelve Most Common Mistakes Alienated Parents Tend To Make With Their Children

There are at least twelve common mistakes that alienated parents tend to make when feeling angry and in contact via phone, letterwriting, social networking, or in person with their alienated children.


By: Dr. Kathleen Raey

Here are some suggestions to help offset this from occurring in your family. They are:

1. When in contact with your children don’t trash, bash, berate, put down, or persecute their other parent. Doing so, you are modeling abusive behavior to your children. This will ultimately backfire on you. Your children will likely feel very uncomfortable and have less respect for you. Additionally, this kind of behavior on your part will likely push them further away from you.

2. Don’t challenge or dispute your children’s loyalty to the alienating parent. Choosing to do so will only create more resistance. Remember, the greater you challenge your children’s loyalty to the other parent, the more your children will resist. Be encouraging and focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. For example, stated in a warm and sincere manner, “It’s wonderful that you and your father have such a fun time together.”

3. Don’t discuss any legal information. It’s important that your children do not hear any references to court actions or any other legal information. This includes not showing them any legal or court documents. Don’t be surprised if your older children or teens insist that you share legal information with them to help sort out what is true and what is not. Keep in mind that legal information including the difficult language, what court orders actually mean, and so on can be difficult for most adults to comprehend, never mind children and teens. Confusing court documents may encourage children to take sides; redirect them instead.

… Don’t challenge or dispute your children’s loyalty to the alienating parent. Choosing to do so will only create more resistance …

 4. In spite of sounding counter-intuitive, don’t make demands.For example, “What you should do is treat me with respect instead of treating me with such disrespect. I’m your parent so don’t talk to me that way.” Even though your likely intention is to attempt to control the situation with your alienated child and provide some prompt remedy, what it really says to your alienated child is this: “You don’t have the right to decide how to deal with your issues and feelings.” Remember, your child is a victim, as well. Your child has not intentionally created PAS;your child has been drawn into it by his/her other parent.

5. Don’t interrogate. For example, “What did your mom say to you to make you say that to me?” Although you may have good intentions to get to the bottom of the issue and find out what was said or done to make your child react the way he/she has to you, it will backfire. What it really says to your alienated child is, “Not only your mother but you must have messed up here.” This will only make your children feel worse and they will likely reject you more. Please note: It is perfectly okay to clarify any misconceptions that your alienated children may have about you or your situation. For example, if your child says, “Daddy says you never loved him or us,” you can say, for instance, “Sorry sweetie, the moment we met, I fell in love with your father. You and your brother were loved from the moment we knew you were going to be born. I will never stop loving you no matter what.” Whenever the need arises to clarify any misconceptions that your alienated children may have about you or your situation, remind them of specific memories you have about them or of other people, places, times, or things  related to their misconceptions. This would be a great time to share any photographs or videos you may have of those times.

 …It is perfectly okay to clarify any misconceptions that your alienated children may have about you or your situation …

6. Don’t moralize. For example, “The right thing to say to me is…..”, “You really should .…”, “It’s wrong to ….”. Although the likely intention is to show your child the proper way to deal with the issue, the meaning of the message is, “I’ll choose your values for you.” This will backfire too.

7. Don’t pretend to act like a psychologist. For example, “Do you know why you said that to me? You’re just copying your mother. That’s what she always says, you know.” Even though your likely intention is to help prevent future issues by analyzing your child’s behavior and explaining his/her motives, what it really says to your child is, “I know more about you than you know about yourself. And, that makes me superior to you.” It’ll backfire because your alienated child will not feel like a social equal which will likely push him/her even further away from you.

8. Don’t yell, scream, nag, coax, lecture, or give ultimatums. All children don’t like to be yelled or screamed at. Nor do they like to be nagged, coaxed, lectured, or given ultimatums by their parents. They feel disrespected and tend to counter it by disrespecting the parent back. The same holds true for alienated children but generally to a greater degree. For example, “How dare you speak to me in that tone of voice. If you do that again, then I don’t want you to come around here anymore.” This kind of behavior on your part will likely induce fear in your alienated child. The child may interpret these types of messages as truth, whether you mean it or not. Your children may actually use this as a way to avoid seeing you again. It’ll make it much more difficult for you and your alienated child to repair the relationship.

 … Don’t yell, scream, nag, coax, lecture, or give ultimatums. All children don’t like to be yelled ors creamed at. Nor do they like to be nagged, coaxed, lectured, or givenultimatums by their parents…

9. Don’t use guilt trips. For example, “You wouldn’t really treat me the way you do now if I earned as much money as your father does.” Although your likely intention is to help your child see the wrong in his/her thoughts, feelings, and actions, what it really says to your child is, “I am imposing a penance for your past mistakes because you and your other parent are at fault.” Imposing guilt on the rampage also backfires.

10. Don’t deny your children’s feelings and only justify yours. For example, “Oh, that’s not true. You don’t really feel upset. If anybody should feel upset, it should be me.” Alienated childrenneed to have their feelings validated just as much as anybody else does. Although it’s quite unlikely that your children will validate your feelings due to the level of PAS that is occurring, please don’t let that stop you from role-modeling it to them. It will be of help in repairing your broken relationship.

11. Don’t be stubborn and child-like. Apologize for mistakes you have made now and in the past. As you’re aware, alienated parents undergo a vast array of negative emotions including anger. Although it may be very difficult to do, it’s not impossible to apologize to your alienated children when you have intentionally, unintentionally, or unknowingly done something wrong now or in the past. We want to teach our children to be responsible, caring, and accountable people when they grow up. What is stopping us from role-modeling that to them? It’s okay to say, for instance, “I realize that therewere many times when I had to work evenings and weekends and I wasn’t able to go to your school concerts and soccer games. I apologize for not being there.”

..Don’t be stubborn and child-like. Apologize for mistakes you have made now and in the past. As you’re aware, alienated parents undergo a vast array of negative emotions including anger …

12. Don’t react or over-react when your children treat you with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. It’s very important to learn to be proactive and active rather than reactive and over-reactive with them. As difficult as it will be, it is so very important for you to do your very best and develop a hard shell like a tortoise! If you were to react or over-react,then your alienated children will likely feel no need to ever want to repair the fragmented relationship.

Sometimes an alienated parent will unleash anger on his or her children and forget that they are victims, too.